Do or do not. There is no try. -Yoda
It is difficult for me to see myself grow. It is so painful. But I have grown to see that pain is apart of growth, it is good for you.
For the past 22 years I have been hiding who I am. Changing my thoughts, holding my tongue, passing judgement on other women. And truly thinking I was the problem.
The beginning of my life was dark. I was taught at a very young age to be not only a lady, but to be a good Muslim daughter as well. I learned that I had to close my legs, cover my hair, don’t show too much skin. To dress like a boy, but you can’t play with boys alone. To above all respect men. For the man is the leader. To abandon all feelings of being a human being because I am a woman. To be ashamed of my body.
This was burned into my brain. This thought of hiding myself to keep men away. To tone myself down. Sexually, mentally, spatially. And me being the person I am, I had to rebel in anyway I could. Now me being a young child I thought that being a rebel was to show everyone I was just as tough, cool, or funny as any boy. So I would wear boy clothes, hand out and try to be one of the boys. Never cry bc that’s what little girls do. Try to climb trees, curse, play “boy” games bc that’s what I have to do to be equal.
But something’s wrong? No boy thinks I’m pretty, they all like those girls who let their hair out, and paint their nails. Why would they like them? I’m doing everything I was told to do. I shut myself down like I was told!
I didn’t know or understand but now I do. Even now I struggle. I struggle bc I have been trying to imitate femininity. I don’t understand it or know how to be it. I have scrubbed it all off so young I can’t even begging to understand being a woman.
Tanya Dziahileva at Iris Van Herpen Haute Couture
HOLY SHIT THIS IS SURREAL
me: what’s for dinner?
her: *spreads her legs*
so, did you not cook or ….. cause popeyes closes at 10 and i need to leave now if i’m gon make it.